strange cousin susan

There is no limit to stupidity. Space itself is said to be bounded by its own curvature, but stupidity continues beyond infinity. — Gene Wolf

I don’t know where to begin…I’m trying very hard to not to discuss the factory so much these days; I spend almost half of any given 24-hour period there, five days a week, and I don’t see any need to hump home all the utter absurdity of my days. But sometimes, it even gets to me, this self-imposed lack of discussion regarding the fact my productivity has pretty much plummeted to an all-time low because my days are being split now between front and back; when I’m in the front, I cannot do the back-end work; when I’m in the back, I am officially excused from the front and all responsibilities therein in order to accomplish that back-end work. Unfortunately, the ratio of time allotted for each is a little skewed. Well, maybe it’s more than a little skewed. Front time is 7.5 hours, with an hour for lunch. Back time is 2.5 approved hours. Really, it should be the other way around, for I am falling farther and farther behind in the paperwork side of my job and can’t seem to even catch up with it in order to keep ahead of it.

Those 2.5 approved hours are just that; I suspect if the (wo) knew I was getting to work between 500am and 515am, she wouldn’t be very happy, although I haven’t determined if her unhappiness would be caused by the early hour or the situation. This has been going on for the better part of three weeks now and like I said earlier, it’s not even affording me the luxury of catching up to stay ahead. I’m barely barely barely keeping my head above water as it is and I’ve got seven more days of this trial period. This is the second trial period in the last four weeks; the first attempt was stymied by illnesses hitting my factory mates for multiple days in a row. This second attempt has been sickness-free on all fronts, but I’m still not getting anywhere.

There are some other forces playing into this; whether they are accurate or not I cannot say because I do not know. But I do know I’ve pretty much been moved from my main desk and relocated to two others (where I split my days); that my efficiency has been so reduced by the powers that be causes ugly and fearful thoughts to stream through my head when I allow them to take hold. I’m trying not to do that by losing myself in music during the back time and keeping my head low during the front time.

FEAR: Fuck everything and run.

FEAR: False evidence appearing real.

I think I see evidence of those other forces. I think I hear evidence of those other forces.

Or maybe I’m just fuckin’ paranoid. But something tells me I’m stupid not to be in this situation.

Some days, I pick door number one. Other days, I pick door number two.

Today I picked door number three and abruptly left a meeting at 430pm because I wanted to go home. Luckily it was almost over, anyway, but I didn’t want to sit around and bullshit with the others any longer than would be absolutely necessary.